So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
