His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
