i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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