i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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