3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
