the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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