I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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