dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
a search helicopter?!
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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