Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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