I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
