Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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