It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Success! We fucked roommates!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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