the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
