fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
