Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
