matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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