Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
