We're like a lot better than the average bears
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
