My liver just broke up with me...
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
