Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Found the puke drawer
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize