I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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