just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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