And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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