i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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