I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
