So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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