Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
ok first of all what the fuck
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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