chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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