I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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