Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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