When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize