just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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