im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
