A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
