Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Randomize
