I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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