i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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