I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
