You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
