sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
