I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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