That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
