you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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