Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
