I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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