I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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