I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
