I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
These tits shall not be calmed
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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