You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
