help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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