32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
