the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I need a burrito and a hug.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
