I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Randomize