I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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