I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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