I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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