You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
