i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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