loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So here I am, sexting at work.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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