her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
