Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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