You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
