member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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