i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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